Is Humanity Confused?
50% of marriages in the U.S. end up in divorce and arranged marriages generally last longer than 'love' marriages.
I was randomly pondering today, trying to figure out this phenomena. If two individuals love each other and get married, why is it that so many end up in divorces. Do they 'fall' out of love the same way they 'fell' in love? On the other hand, imagine two individuals in an arranged marriage. It's possible that they've never met before, yet why is it that that relationship lasts longer? Are we a bunch of beings who think we know what we want, but in reality are just confused?
Now I'm gonna relate this to families. You don't get to choose what family you are born into. You have absolutely no say on who your parents and siblings are gonna be, yet you are left with no other choice but to love each other even if you don't like each other...kind of the same as in an arranged marriage. Now, what happens if we were able to choose our parents and families like many of us choose our partner? Would the statistics for broken families be on the rise?
So, could we say that as humans, we generally make bad decisions when it comes to relationships? Are we just confused? I sure hope not...
posted by daenielle @ 10:11 AM
14 Comments:
hmmmmm.... well 50% is quite a lot, but we are using statistics from the states, which doesn't apply to most settings. I doubt the rate of divorce in M'sia for instance is anywhere near that. Society determines it all; few nationalities are as liberal as Americans when it comes to tying-the-knot, and then untying it.
Arranged marriages hold the philosophy that, 'you will grow to love each other'... perhaps this works for some, but personally: NO WAY. Marriage in my terms should be after a minimum of 3yrs of really knowing each other; moving in together on a trial basis wouldn’t be a bad idea either. The entire concept is driven by culture, and the cultures which uphold this practice also instill the values of sticking it out, and always doing as your parents command. So perhaps they stay together out of responsibility rather than love, and in such a relationship, is it fair on any sides?
As for choosing your parents? Too difficult to comprehend, just choosing a university is a chore of such difficulty. Too many variables too consider, fate be the best guide. People would be so tired of considering all the different options, they'd probably settle with a parent at random. A more important question would be, if we could swap parents at any time, would we?
But as for confused? We are deeply confused, no doubt about it... The good thing is, we learn.
Thanks for your views, Michael. Interestingly, my dad told me that the west is actually beginning to look at arranged marriages because of the failure in 'love' marriages. Your point on relationships in arranged marriages being more of a 'responsibility' is quite possible. Thanks for the feedback!
Marriage in the United States is easy to get into and equally easy to get out off. When I say easy, it's from the social acceptance point, not legal or otherwise. In the US, it's not socially unacceptable to be divorced or to be an illegitimate child.
Here in Malaysia, there's a stigma attached to those circumstances. One wonders how many Malaysian couples choose to remain in a state of marital apathy, just to avoid the mess and stigma that comes from divorce. Another thing is also that in Malaysia, parents sometime stay together for the sake of the kids, in the US, being a kid from a broken home is such a non-event.
Arranged marriages happen in societies exactly like what I described Malaysia to be, in fact, in most cases, some even more conservative than Malaysia even. So divorce is simply NOT an option, and Asian values generally see women assume a more submissive and less aggressive role, leading to less open confrontation and marital strife. I've heard MANY instances of Asian wives closing an eye to their husbands' little dalliances on the side.
I don't think we make bad decisions. I think that sometimes, circumstances place you in situations that need the best value and moral set to overcome and most people simple don't have them, or choose not to practice them.
I'm talking about patience, love, tolerance, understanding, etc.
Here's a reason why I would get married. I don't believe it's as simple as love conquers all. I read somewhere that all of us come with a certain amount of 'wounds' that need healing. Wounds like insecurity, rough childhoods, being social outcasts in school, having controlling parents, etc. Marriage to me, is 2 people saying to each other that not only do I love you, but I'm going to heal you. I'm going to show you the best this world can offer and we are going to bring new life into this world and raise them without 'wounds' so that they can grow into a better world.
Examples? I come from a family that demanded perfection from me and I did not like it one bit. 2A's and B in A-Levels was ok... but you could have gotten 3A's was what I heard after I got my results. The mistake I could make in a marriage would be to let me sense of perfectionism, be transposed onto my expectations of my wife. I must learn to let go of my demons, and my wife must learn to understand WHY i'm like that. That's healing...
I have a close friend who IS going to get married. I say this with such confidence because he and his family have practised 'arranged' marriages all their lives. Its just part of life to him and he has grown to accept it.
personally, I was appalled when he told me this.I asked him why he would do such a thing!He said that it was culture and not only that, it was his responsibility.And if he didnt agree, it would bring shame and he would be the cause of people saying that "his parents didnt bring him up well".
And he also said that if he was involved in any relationship before the wedding, he MUST be prepared to walk out of it.That basically means, he may actually still be in love with one person but marrying another at the same time.And he would have no choice but to live with it.
All this for the sake of family dignity,responsibility and the main reason,culture.
There is one plus point,though. The marriage will last.Why?...The same reasons on why he chose to follow this "way" of marriage.
This scenario rarely happens in Western countries,especially the US.
Why?What culture does the US actually have??seriously...
They don't have any specific roots or traditions to look up to and follow.
Lets see,why else is marriage viewed as something sacred.Religious beliefs?And in the US,how many religious-God-fearing people are there left?
The whole concept of marriage,especially in the US is like a game.You lose some and u win some.Seriously, isnt that how they project their marriage lives to be?
(I wont even start about hollywood!!)
I think that most people are driven to get married by the illusion it will always be happily ever after.And if it isnt, out it goes!
I mean, ppl in a arranged marriage have a "reason" to try to make their marriage last.Their culture!Their family pride!its just their responsibilty.
Even in M'sia, most ppl(esp women) stay in their unhappy marriages for a reason.The reason could be either their children or even something else,like their pride.
Now,do the so called "liberal people" of the US have any real reason to continue their marriage?nope!
Once a problem arises,to them...why live with a problem when u have a choice of getting rid of it!
And about choosing families...
if we actually had the choice of choosing your family members, you would probably pick a person...a year older than u to be your 'parent'.And when ur unhappy with that 'parent', get rid of that one and get another one.
You see then, we would not actually have any solid support behind us IF we were to need any support(some day).
Why do you think God gave us families to be in?He didnt give us a choice.
U see, families will always be there for us...even when we face broken marriages.=)
I have a close friend who IS going to get married. I say this with such confidence because he and his family have practised 'arranged' marriages all their lives. Its just part of life to him and he has grown to accept it.
personally, I was appalled when he told me this.I asked him why he would do such a thing!He said that it was culture and not only that, it was his responsibility.And if he didnt agree, it would bring shame and he would be the cause of people saying that "his parents didnt bring him up well".
And he also said that if he was involved in any relationship before the wedding, he MUST be prepared to walk out of it.That basically means, he may actually still be in love with one person but marrying another at the same time.And he would have no choice but to live with it.
All this for the sake of family dignity,responsibility and the main reason,culture.
There is one plus point,though. The marriage will last.Why?...The same reasons on why he chose to follow this "way" of marriage.
This scenario rarely happens in Western countries,especially the US.
Why?What culture does the US actually have??seriously...
They don't have any specific roots or traditions to look up to and follow.
Lets see,why else is marriage viewed as something sacred.Religious beliefs?And in the US,how many religious-God-fearing people are there left?
The whole concept of marriage,especially in the US is like a game.You lose some and u win some.Seriously, isnt that how they project their marriage lives to be?
(I wont even start about hollywood!!)
I think that most people are driven to get married by the illusion it will always be happily ever after.And if it isnt, out it goes!
I mean, ppl in a arranged marriage have a "reason" to try to make their marriage last.Their culture!Their family pride!its just their responsibilty.
Even in M'sia, most ppl(esp women) stay in their unhappy marriages for a reason.The reason could be either their children or even something else,like their pride.
Now,do the so called "liberal people" of the US have any real reason to continue their marriage?nope!
Once a problem arises,to them...why live with a problem when u have a choice of getting rid of it!
And about choosing families...
if we actually had the choice of choosing your family members, you would probably pick a person...a year older than u to be your 'parent'.And when ur unhappy with that 'parent', get rid of that one and get another one.
You see then, we would not actually have any solid support behind us IF we were to need any support(some day).
Why do you think God gave us families to be in?He didnt give us a choice.
U see, families will always be there for us...even when we face broken marriages.=)
I have a close friend who IS going to get married. I say this with such confidence because he and his family have practised 'arranged' marriages all their lives. Its just part of life to him and he has grown to accept it.
personally, I was appalled when he told me this.I asked him why he would do such a thing!He said that it was culture and not only that, it was his responsibility.And if he didnt agree, it would bring shame and he would be the cause of people saying that "his parents didnt bring him up well".
And he also said that if he was involved in any relationship before the wedding, he MUST be prepared to walk out of it.That basically means, he may actually still be in love with one person but marrying another at the same time.And he would have no choice but to live with it.
All this for the sake of family dignity,responsibility and the main reason,culture.
There is one plus point,though. The marriage will last.Why?...The same reasons on why he chose to follow this "way" of marriage.
This scenario rarely happens in Western countries,especially the US.
Why?What culture does the US actually have??seriously...
They don't have any specific roots or traditions to look up to and follow.
Lets see,why else is marriage viewed as something sacred.Religious beliefs?And in the US,how many religious-God-fearing people are there left?
The whole concept of marriage,especially in the US is like a game.You lose some and u win some.Seriously, isnt that how they project their marriage lives to be?
(I wont even start about hollywood!!)
I think that most people are driven to get married by the illusion it will always be happily ever after.And if it isnt, out it goes!
I mean, ppl in a arranged marriage have a "reason" to try to make their marriage last.Their culture!Their family pride!its just their responsibilty.
Even in M'sia, most ppl(esp women) stay in their unhappy marriages for a reason.The reason could be either their children or even something else,like their pride.
Now,do the so called "liberal people" of the US have any real reason to continue their marriage?nope!
Once a problem arises,to them...why live with a problem when u have a choice of getting rid of it!
And about choosing families...
if we actually had the choice of choosing your family members, you would probably pick a person...a year older than u to be your 'parent'.And when ur unhappy with that 'parent', get rid of that one and get another one.
You see then, we would not actually have any solid support behind us IF we were to need any support(some day).
Why do you think God gave us families to be in?He didnt give us a choice.
U see, families will always be there for us...even when we face broken marriages.=)
I have a close friend who IS going to get married. I say this with such confidence because he and his family have practised 'arranged' marriages all their lives. Its just part of life to him and he has grown to accept it.
personally, I was appalled when he told me this.I asked him why he would do such a thing!He said that it was culture and not only that, it was his responsibility.And if he didnt agree, it would bring shame and he would be the cause of people saying that "his parents didnt bring him up well".
And he also said that if he was involved in any relationship before the wedding, he MUST be prepared to walk out of it.That basically means, he may actually still be in love with one person but marrying another at the same time.And he would have no choice but to live with it.
All this for the sake of family dignity,responsibility and the main reason,culture.
There is one plus point,though. The marriage will last.Why?...The same reasons on why he chose to follow this "way" of marriage.
This scenario rarely happens in Western countries,especially the US.
Why?What culture does the US actually have??seriously...
They don't have any specific roots or traditions to look up to and follow.
Lets see,why else is marriage viewed as something sacred.Religious beliefs?And in the US,how many religious-God-fearing people are there left?
The whole concept of marriage,especially in the US is like a game.You lose some and u win some.Seriously, isnt that how they project their marriage lives to be?
(I wont even start about hollywood!!)
I think that most people are driven to get married by the illusion it will always be happily ever after.And if it isnt, out it goes!
I mean, ppl in a arranged marriage have a "reason" to try to make their marriage last.Their culture!Their family pride!its just their responsibilty.
Even in M'sia, most ppl(esp women) stay in their unhappy marriages for a reason.The reason could be either their children or even something else,like their pride.
Now,do the so called "liberal people" of the US have any real reason to continue their marriage?nope!
Once a problem arises,to them...why live with a problem when u have a choice of getting rid of it!
And about choosing families...
if we actually had the choice of choosing your family members, you would probably pick a person...a year older than u to be your 'parent'.And when ur unhappy with that 'parent', get rid of that one and get another one.
You see then, we would not actually have any solid support behind us IF we were to need any support(some day).
Why do you think God gave us families to be in?He didnt give us a choice.
U see, families will always be there for us...even when we face broken marriages.=)
I have a close friend who IS going to get married. I say this with such confidence because he and his family have practised 'arranged' marriages all their lives. Its just part of life to him and he has grown to accept it.
personally, I was appalled when he told me this.I asked him why he would do such a thing!He said that it was culture and not only that, it was his responsibility.And if he didnt agree, it would bring shame and he would be the cause of people saying that "his parents didnt bring him up well".
And he also said that if he was involved in any relationship before the wedding, he MUST be prepared to walk out of it.That basically means, he may actually still be in love with one person but marrying another at the same time.And he would have no choice but to live with it.
All this for the sake of family dignity,responsibility and the main reason,culture.
There is one plus point,though. The marriage will last.Why?...The same reasons on why he chose to follow this "way" of marriage.
This scenario rarely happens in Western countries,especially the US.
Why?What culture does the US actually have??seriously...
They don't have any specific roots or traditions to look up to and follow.
Lets see,why else is marriage viewed as something sacred.Religious beliefs?And in the US,how many religious-God-fearing people are there left?
The whole concept of marriage,especially in the US is like a game.You lose some and u win some.Seriously, isnt that how they project their marriage lives to be?
(I wont even start about hollywood!!)
I think that most people are driven to get married by the illusion it will always be happily ever after.And if it isnt, out it goes!
I mean, ppl in a arranged marriage have a "reason" to try to make their marriage last.Their culture!Their family pride!its just their responsibilty.
Even in M'sia, most ppl(esp women) stay in their unhappy marriages for a reason.The reason could be either their children or even something else,like their pride.
Now,do the so called "liberal people" of the US have any real reason to continue their marriage?nope!
Once a problem arises,to them...why live with a problem when u have a choice of getting rid of it!
And about choosing families...
if we actually had the choice of choosing your family members, you would probably pick a person...a year older than u to be your 'parent'.And when ur unhappy with that 'parent', get rid of that one and get another one.
You see then, we would not actually have any solid support behind us IF we were to need any support(some day).
Why do you think God gave us families to be in?He didnt give us a choice.
U see, families will always be there for us...even when we face broken marriages.=)
I have a close friend who IS going to get married. I say this with such confidence because he and his family have practised 'arranged' marriages all their lives. Its just part of life to him and he has grown to accept it.
personally, I was appalled when he told me this.I asked him why he would do such a thing!He said that it was culture and not only that, it was his responsibility.And if he didnt agree, it would bring shame and he would be the cause of people saying that "his parents didnt bring him up well".
And he also said that if he was involved in any relationship before the wedding, he MUST be prepared to walk out of it.That basically means, he may actually still be in love with one person but marrying another at the same time.And he would have no choice but to live with it.
All this for the sake of family dignity,responsibility and the main reason,culture.
There is one plus point,though. The marriage will last.Why?...The same reasons on why he chose to follow this "way" of marriage.
This scenario rarely happens in Western countries,especially the US.
Why?What culture does the US actually have??seriously...
They don't have any specific roots or traditions to look up to and follow.
Lets see,why else is marriage viewed as something sacred.
I have a close friend who IS going to get married. I say this with such confidence because he and his family have practised 'arranged' marriages all their lives. Its just part of life to him and he has grown to accept it.
personally, I was appalled when he told me this.I asked him why he would do such a thing!He said that it was culture and not only that, it was his responsibility.And if he didnt agree, it would bring shame and he would be the cause of people saying that "his parents didnt bring him up well".
And he also said that if he was involved in any relationship before the wedding, he MUST be prepared to walk out of it.That basically means, he may actually still be in love with one person but marrying another at the same time.And he would have no choice but to live with it.
All this for the sake of family dignity,responsibility and the main reason,culture.
There is one plus point,though. The marriage will last.Why?...The same reasons on why he chose to follow this "way" of marriage.
This scenario rarely happens in Western countries,especially the US.
Why?What culture does the US actually have??seriously...
They don't have any specific roots or traditions to look up to and follow.
Lets see,why else is marriage viewed as something sacred.
I have a close friend who IS going to get married. I say this with such confidence because he and his family have practised 'arranged' marriages all their lives. Its just part of life to him and he has grown to accept it.
personally, I was appalled when he told me this.I asked him why he would do such a thing!He said that it was culture and not only that, it was his responsibility.And if he didnt agree, it would bring shame and he would be the cause of people saying that "his parents didnt bring him up well".
And he also said that if he was involved in any relationship before the wedding, he MUST be prepared to walk out of it.That basically means, he may actually still be in love with one person but marrying another at the same time.And he would have no choice but to live with it.
All this for the sake of family dignity,responsibility and the main reason,culture.
There is one plus point,though. The marriage will last.Why?...The same reasons on why he chose to follow this "way" of marriage.
This scenario rarely happens in Western countries,especially the US.
Why?What culture does the US actually have??seriously...
They don't have any specific roots or traditions to look up to and follow.
Lets see,why else is marriage viewed as something sacred.
I have a close friend who IS going to get married. I say this with such confidence because he and his family have practised 'arranged' marriages all their lives. Its just part of life to him and he has grown to accept it.
personally, I was appalled when he told me this.I asked him why he would do such a thing!He said that it was culture and not only that, it was his responsibility.And if he didnt agree, it would bring shame and he would be the cause of people saying that "his parents didnt bring him up well".
And he also said that if he was involved in any relationship before the wedding, he MUST be prepared to walk out of it.That basically means, he may actually still be in love with one person but marrying another at the same time.And he would have no choice but to live with it.
All this for the sake of family dignity,responsibility and the main reason,culture.
There is one plus point,though. The marriage will last.Why?...The same reasons on why he chose to follow this "way" of marriage.
This scenario rarely happens in Western countries,especially the US.
Why?What culture does the US actually have??seriously...
They don't have any specific roots or traditions to look up to and follow.
Lets see,why else is marriage viewed as something sacred.Religious beliefs?And in the US,how many religious-God-fearing people are there left?
The whole concept of marriage,especially in the US is like a game.You lose some and u win some.Seriously, isnt that how they project their marriage lives to be?
(I wont even start about hollywood!!)
I think that most people are driven to get married by the illusion it will always be happily ever after.And if it isnt, out it goes!
I mean, ppl in a arranged marriage have a "reason" to try to make their marriage last.Their culture!Their family pride!its just their responsibilty.
Even in M'sia, most ppl(esp women) stay in their unhappy marriages for a reason.The reason could be either their children or even something else,like their pride.
Now,do the so called "liberal people" of the US have any real reason to continue their marriage?nope!
Once a problem arises,to them...why live with a problem when u have a choice of getting rid of it!
And about choosing families...
if we actually had the choice of choosing your family members, you would probably pick a person...a year older than u to be your 'parent'.And when ur unhappy with that 'parent', get rid of that one and get another one.
You see then, we would not actually have any solid support behind us IF we were to need any support(some day).
Why do you think God gave us families to be in?He didnt give us a choice.
U see, families will always be there for us...even when we face broken marriages.=)
i made a comment for this blog and no thanks to my computer, my comment was posted up 9times.
im terribly sorry for the nuisance.
really sorry.
Dearest Anonymous,
I thought you were literally trying to make a statement...haha!
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